Moments by Andrea

A VERY personal journal entry on my business blog!

“Sticks and stones may break by bones but words will never hurt me.” I used to say that to myself over and over again but it was a lie. They did hurt!

An experience I had recently got me doing some deep thinking about the power of words. One word in particular! FAT!!

I’ve heard that ugly word directed at me since I hit puberty! At first it only came from within but then as I actually got fat I started to hear it form others too.  It was VERY PAINFUL to hear it and think it. It still hurts to this day and something that happened to me last week got me thinking about WHY!?

Why is FAT a bad word? Why do we (especially women) equate the word fat with other words such as unworthy, unlovable, ugly, failure and so many other terrible things?

As a family portrait photographer I have seen it countless times! Women (and sometimes men) don’t want to get in their family portrait because they perceive themselves to be fat! Let me be clear. This is usually not because they are obese. It could be as little as ten pounds over their ideal weight and they think they are unworthy of being photographed! They are “fat” in their mind and should not be in pictures!

“Just photograph the kids they say. I don’t want pictures of myself!” It’s always because of some self perceived fault, usually their weight but if not they find something else that makes them convinced they are ugly!

Rarely do I come across a mom that truly thinks they are beautiful! It saddens me because my clients ARE beautiful and their children think they are perfect just the way they are! What kind of message are we sending to our kids by refusing to be photographed!! I’m not worthy of being photographed or remembered the way I am?

I always tell them to come ready to be in a few pics. You can’t regret being in the pictures but you can regret NOT being in them! And let’s be honest, you’re not getting any younger and unfortunately you might get fatter. OK, I don’t usually say that but it’s true. Also, think about it, we all have pics we look back on and think we looked good but know that at that time we thought we were fat! The fact is that you are never going to think you are beautiful until you are at least twenty years older and twenty pounds heavier so just get in the pics!

And if you want me to really hit home, let me remind you that tomorrow is not promised to anyone! You could be gone by next week and don’t you want your kids to have beautiful portraits of you loving them and not just unplanned and very unflattering snapshots your kids get of you that you wish they would delete! OK, I don’t say that very often either but it’s food for thought for me and all the other moms (and dads) that shy away from the camera (including myself)!

So what is it that happened to me recently that got me thinking so much about the word FAT and the power that it carries for so many of us? I went to the nail salon for a manicure! That’s what happened! I left with nice nails and a story I just had to share!  I immediately posted it on Facebook but limited my audience because I was too embarrassed to share it with everyone I’ve ever known! That is until now!

Facebook September 8, 2013

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You can’t make this shit up! The things people say. Gotta laugh!

Getting a manicure and the lovely manicurist takes my credit card for payment. I have my college yearbook photo on it (I’ve had the same card 24 years). She says “You so pretty” and looks at me and says “Still so pretty. Your husband very lucky.”. That’s nice! I said, thank you, you too!

Then she looks at me and says “You pretty but a little fat?”. I look at her in disbelief and confusing wondering if she really just said that. She looks at me, recognizes my confused look and thinks I misunderstood her so she SPELLS IT OUT! “You so pretty but a little fat…F.A.T…fat?” (she smiles and looks at me like asking a question). I am speechless but smile and nod in agreement. She says “You eat a lot?” I play along and say, oh yes I love food. She says “You used to be skinny?” I tell her not really (not often I mean), I’ve always liked to eat so tend to be heavier most of my life.

Manicure continues. I spare her the details of my thyroid condition, history of weight gain and loss, injured Achilles tendon affecting my ability to work out and my new medication all contributing to my weight gain. I did not feel like spelling anything out.

It is curious it’s ok to comment when someone loses weight (it’s actually expected) but God forbid anyone says anything when you gain it. Part of me found her honesty refreshing, the other part really did not need a reminder of the obvious! Oh my!

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YES, that REALLY happened! You probably think I would just not go back. There are after all WAY too many nail salons in our town. I could certainly find another one. I don’t need to go to a place where they insult me. But to be honest, I really did not feel that SHE thought she was insulting me! She said it with the same tone that she said I was pretty. She said it as part of conversation between two women.  It was merely a statement of a fact. YES, I am a little FAT, F.A.T fat! What this conversation did for me is make me realize that it is ME (and the society I live in) that equates that statement to an INSULT! 

WHY??? Why does FAT= UGLY and UNWORTHY or less than beautiful at least. Because I LET IT HAVE POWER! I DEFINE WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!

As anyone that has ever seen me knows, I’m not a small woman. Not many know why. Besides my Eastern European heritage and a tendency to be “big boned” I’ve been struggling with my weight since I suffered from depression and anxiety in high school and gained 56 pounds in a year. Yes, 56. I can pretty much look at any picture of me in the past 30 years and tell you my exact weight! I have always defined myself by that number on the scale.

That painful year in high school I went from being the pretty girl to the fat girl and heard it many times. Mostly the comments were said behind my back but on occasion i would hear “pig” or “you got so fat” right to my face.  I once overhead a few kids talking to my friends about how I had gotten fat. One of my best friends (a guy) said to them “She’s still the same person!”. He probably doesn’t remember saying it but I do and I’m forever grateful E!

As often as I said “sticks and stones…” it DID HURT A LOT! I heard those words echoed in my head my whole life! YES, a brief moment was recorded for eternity on my brain! What are the words that you hear on that broken record in your head? For me it was FAT! I’m working on taking back the power of those three letters and the nail lady is helping me do it so I say “THANK YOU or ” 감사합니다 gamsahabnida” for calling me 지방 jibang” with a kind tone in your voice and no judgement in your eyes. You helped me a lot!

I can still hear those cruel words and picture the faces of the people as they spoke them with a distasteful tone. It hurt so bad to hear them call me FAT!  Right up there with that word were the “compliments” like “You HAVE such a pretty face!”. I would hear that and wait for the but…..you’re fat. It was coming but nobody would actually verbalize it, just imply it with their “compliment”. The nail salon last week was the first time anyone every finished that statement and it was oddly refreshing!

It’s been a struggle for almost 30 years and I’m tired of it! I’ve been up and down 65 lbs since I went on my first diet at 14 and am currently nearing  the top of that range. So yes, I am a little fat (or a lot fat depending on your perception of fat). Only once have I gotten down to the weight I was before high school. I lived in Costa Rica for a year and with the lifestyle there I got down to what I weighed in eighth grade! But you know what? You know what is soooo hard to believe? You know what I learned from that short lived “skinny time”? I looked in the mirror and still thought I was fat! F.A.T. FAT!

As I spell out “that word” I can picture a photo I have from 9th grade (before the weight gain) when it all began. A photo of thin Andrea(Andrea who never had been fat yet) in a bikini with my thighs, belly and arms circled with black in and the word FAT written all over it! I was a beautiful healthy 14 year old with a strong body BUT I thought I was fat! From where did I get that impression? All you have to do is look at the walls in this photo to get the answer!

You know what happened the  year after this photo? I became fat! That is when I put on  56 lbs! The photo here is when it first began. I had just gained about 10lbs and had no idea that the real fat was yet to come!  It was a self fulfilled prophesy! BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU THINK!!!!

I now have two girls (a boy too) and they have completely different bodies. My oldest is petite and slender like my mother-in-law and the younger  is “big boned” and thicker like her mom. They are both BEAUTIFUL and perfect just the way they are and I want them to know that deep in the core of their being!  I am VERY careful how I talk about my body in front of my girls. I might say “I’m trying to make better food choices because my pants are getting tight”. I don’t say “I can’t eat that because I’m fat and ugly!”.

I think before I speak about  my body in front of “the girls as I want to help them develop a healthy body image. I don’t know if I’m doing it but I’m trying. It’s hard when they are so different and when one is a mirror image of myself. Talk about being therapeutic. I’m reliving my own body image issues through the one that looks like me. It’s not easy because I don’t know how to help her as I have yet to solve the issue myself!

Although I try not to tell them I do still define myself by my weight and limit my enjoyment because of it. I skipped going to the pool at the end of the summer because of recent weight gain. I’m embarrassed to admit that I did exactly what I tell my clients not to do! I canceled a portrait session with my family because of my weight gain! It was a perfect day  and the session was prepaid and I canceled it because I did not want to be in pictures looking like this! WTF is wrong with me! Practicing what you preach is hard!

I could go on and on about this but I have a lot of work to do so my therapy break is over. I just wanted to share this for all you “thick women” out there to hear that  YOU are NOT ALONE! And remember being FAT does not have to DEFINE YOU! You may HAVE fat on you but you ARE NOT defined by your FAT!

 I’m working on changing my perception of that word and I hope you will too! If not for you, then for your daughters!

And I have to give a shout out to the ONE person (besides myself) whose opinion about my body matters! It is my husband and you know what he sees when he look at me? He does not see me and say “You’re fat F.A.T fat!”. He sees me with those big adoring eyes and says “You’re hot, H.O.T, hot!” and he really means it! THAT is what matters along with my kids who love mommy’s juicy hugs and laying on “my pillows” that are compliments of being FAT!

And since I believe in self fulfilled prophesies. I’m going to say that SOMEDAY I WILL look like THIS AGAIN! This is me after Costa Rica when I got down to my eighth grade weight. OK, I will never be 25 again BUT the hair and almost that body will someday be mine. I like a challenge and that“‘ is a big one!

I see all these moms in my area that look amazing! I swear the majority of moms in my town are thinner and more fit than they were in their 20s. How do they do it?  I want that one day too but it’s not time yet. I’m not ready! I’m super busy with my DREAM JOB and loving my DREAM FAMILY with the support of my loving mother who lives with us with Alzheimer’s! Too much to deal with right now to make my weight a priority so …the weight issue will have to wait! I can only do so much!

I tell my husband, when I do dedicate myself to this mission it will be called “The year of the MILF”. Of course he thinks every year is that year! Oh how I love him!

Thank YOU for taking the TIME to read my story! Let’s start the conversation with our friends.If this resonated with you then SHARE IT! Share it to remind other women that FAT does NOT DEFINE US!

FAT on your body does not mean that you are UGLY, less than in any way or unworthy of happiness and love. It’s just FAT..F.A.T. fat! Nothing more! Just like bones are just bones and skin is just skin. Stop giving it such weight (no pun intended). LET IT GO!

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It’s not too late to capture newborn images of your baby! Those first few days or even weeks can be a blur! You’ve just decided you want newborn pictures but many photographers have told you it’s too late. They are right IF you want the posed newborn in props images. They really should be under 10-14 days for that type of photography. However, it is never to late to celebrate the arrival of your newborn baby with professional photography!

My style of sessions works well with newborns of all ages. This natural light room is so inviting and peaceful!It’s the perfect setting for newborn portraits! I even have a comfy sitting area for hubby to relax and watch tv while he’s not in the pictures. Baby fussing? No problem. I can step out and you can have the room to yourself to calm him by nursing, changing or walking around with him/her.

Located at my Wilton CT house, you will feel at home and so will your family! Have younger kids and want them in the session? I have plenty of room and even some toys to keep them busy while they are waiting on the side.

Here is a session with a mom, her new baby and his older brothers in my new natural light shooting room.

 

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