The other day my sister told me that one of her worst fears came true. She was at work and got stuck in the elevator between floors for an hour. The fire department had to come rescue her. She’s ok but it was a form of torture for he as she was scared and did not want to be there.
Thankfully it’s never happened to me but in an odd way I feel like it’s a good metaphor for my life right now.
How is this a metaphor for my life? If life were a building and each floor represented a stage of life, I would be stuck between floors. I’m raising my young family and caring for my mother with Alzheimer’s at the same time. Not usually events that occur on the same floor and not part of my plan.
Let’s say an average lifespan is like a ten story building. I know that not everyone’s life is structured the same but if you live long enough and follow a traditional path, this is the basic series of events of your life and it’s the one I EXPECTED TO HAVE.
First Floor: We are born and raised by our parents.
Second Floor: We develop our independence and live on our own as young adults.
Third Floor: We marry and buy our first home.
Fourth Floor: We have children and raise them.
Fifth Floor: Our children go off to college and we are empty-nesters nearing retirement.
Sixth Floor: We retire, live out some of our dreams and and even get to become grandparents.
Seventh Floor: Our parents get old and often we become their caregivers.
Eighth Floor: Our parents pass and we become the matriarch of the extended family.
Ninth Floor: We age and sometimes become dependent on our own children.
Tenth Floor: We pass away to the next life.
On occasion the transition from one floor to the next is not so smooth. Sometime we even go back down a floor (like when we move back in with our parents after being independent for a number of years).
There are also times we experience great pain, loss or health conditions that take away from what we had planned for that floor.
Other times our lives are cut short and we don’t make it to the higher floors, we leap right over them to heaven.
And on occasion we get stuck for a long time between floors. That is the case for me. I got stuck between the fourth and seventh floor and have been there since 2006 when my mother moved in with us due to dementia that started at the age of 59.
When she moved in with us we had only been living on the fourth floor for a few years. We were married for four years and had two very small children. This new role of caregiver (though she didn’t need too much at the time) was challenging and honestly very confusing for me as a new mom. The roll reversal happening on the 4th floor instead of the fifth, sixth or seventh (when I expected that it would occur ) threw me for a loop. THE EXPECTATIONS THAT I HAD for how my life was going to go AND for what role my mother would play in that life were thrown out the window and I did not know how to handle it.
My expectations did not meet my reality and it caused a range of emotions I was not ready, willing or able to face.
Instead of feeling the pain and changing my expectations so that I could enjoy what I had, I started a new business two months after she moved in and threw myself into my work. In no way was this a conscious attempt to avoid feelings, it was simply me pursuing a life long dream. It wasn’t until recently that I realized what I have done to myself over the past almost nine years with my business. I was using my passion for my photography as way to disconnect from the reality of the moment.
I became addicted to developing my photography skills and growing my business. I spent endless hours on the computer and working with clients. I found peace in my office behind closed doors. I found great joy with my camera blocking the view of the real world. I discovered a sense of fulfillment and euphoria in capturing moments for other families and presenting them with perfect images that reflected their love, celebrated the connections and showcased their inner and outer beauty. The ability to show people how beautiful they are and help them hold onto the fleeting moments of their life on the 4th floor became my mission in life and blocked my ability to enjoy my own family (mother included) and take care of myself.
Almost nine years later, I have finally admitted to myself that HIDING BEHIND MY CAMERA AND COMPUTER and throwing myself into my work IS NOT HEALTHY. For years, I struggled to find balance with work, family and health but never achieved it. I couldn’t understand why balance was so unattainable! My time was always dedicated to my work! In retrospect it was much easier to do that than to be in the moment and watch my mother slowly lose her memory right before my eyes.
Lately I have noticed a significant decline in my mother’s memory and I have come to accept her condition and embrace the beauty of THE GIFT OF ALZHEIMER’S!
Alzheimer’s as a GIFT? How can it be a gift? I have discovered that in a way my mother is blessed! She can’t remember the past or hold a thought long enough to worry about the future so ALL SHE HAS IS THE PRESENT MOMENT and she is HAPPY!
Yes, it’s hard to accept that my mother needs me the same way I needed her growing up but it’s ok! In a way it’s a beautiful gift to be able to give her what she gave me! Security, warmth, compassion, patience, love and of course a roof over my head and food in my belly. She has also taught me so many valuable lessons in life. One of them is to always look on the bright side of things. She does this every day as she finds humor in her illness and has an appreciation for what she has today. It’s such an inspiration! In a way I am just like her, believing something good comes out of every situation. Sometimes it just takes me longer to see it!
Sadly, soon enough (we don’t know when) my mother won’t know who I am and my children will be teenagers and not wanting mommy like they do now. And not too long after that they will get in their own elevator and go to their 2nd floor, leaving us behind. My time with all of them is limited and I’ve finally found the courage to rescue myself from the stuck elevator. I’m stepping away from my computer (where I have spent the majority of the last almost 9 years) and learning to be PRESENT and FIND PEACE AND PATIENCE in BETWEEN the FLOORS. Learning to be in the MOMENT!
I’m not closing my business. I have loved photography since the age of eight! I will ALWAYS BE A PHOTOGRAPHER and always photographing people! That is my passion and my joy. I am just taking a break for a few weeks to redefine my expectations of life and to FIND BALANCE! When I start back up with work it will be PART TIME and I will NOT spend endless hours behind the computer. I will BE PRESENT and ENJOY my time LIVING on TWO FLOORS!
Have you found PEACE and BALANCE? Are you able to LIVE IN THE MOMENT? If not, what is in your life that is NOT AS YOU EXPECTED? How can you learn to CHANGE THOSE EXPECTATIONS so that you too can find PEACE and HAPPINESS?
Here is a quote to inspire you!
“Suffering happens when we expect life to be something more and different than what it is in the present moment. When we let go of all expectations, there is peace.”- Kim Eng
Are you caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s Disease and struggling to accept it and find peace and beauty in your new reality? Try reading Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living with Alzheimer’s.
I received it as a gift from the CT Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association and it has been truly helpful in helping finally accept my mother’s illness and learn to find peace and happiness and live in the moment.
Struggling with your own reality? Reach out for HELP and surround yourself with people who care! And don’t forget to take care of YOU!
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by admin